Spicy Ahi Tuna

What’ up, my Peeps!

It’s been ages since I’ve seen you. I missed you. Did you miss me? I hope you’ve been well. Today, for your pleasure, I have con-cockted this Ahi Tuna Poke. It’s spicy, it’s tasty, and this beats paying $16 for it at the restaurant. You will need all (or at least most) of the items below, plus some Mayo which was too shy for the photo shoot. It was being fussy and having a bad hair day. But I digress….

You Will need:

Palm-sized sushi grade Ahi Tuna steak, diced into small cubes.

2 tsp. Soy sauce

½ tsp. Sesame Seed oil

1 tsp Sriracha hot sauce

1 tbsp Mayo-nayo-naise

½ tsp chili paste (optional)

1 tsp rice vinegar (optional)

½ tsp Sesame seeds

1 tbsp chopped cilantro

Here’s “just the tip” before starting: prior to dicing, put the tuna steak in the freezer for about 20 minutes. It’s way easier to dice this way, otherwise you will end up with mashed up tuna blobs, not pretty. Dice the aforementioned tuna into small-ish dice. Mix all other ingredients except sesame seeds in a separate bowl & dump in the tuna dice. Mix thoroughly, refrigerate for about 20 mins.  Serve on a cracker, or just as is. Thank me later with a shoulder massage, ‘cuz this recipe is the shit. 

Crispy Skin Roasted Chicken

Today I will solve the ancient problem of soggy chicken skin with this simple roasted chicken recipe. The best part is that you will never look at a Bundt cake pan the same way again, and neither will your chicken. Yup, you heard me. I present to you the  Roasted Chicken in a Bundt pan. Why, you ask? Because  the chicken likes it that way. You know you probably have an old Bundt pan that you bought for some crappy recipe that you never made again. Dust her off, it will become one of your favorite accessories to roast a chicken in. Or, rather, On. The chicken and the Bundt pan will become very close and intimate friends. 

 You will need:

Bundt Pan

One willing chicken

Kitchen twine

Salt (1/2 tsp, or more) & ground black pepper, to taste

Preheat oven to 450. Pat the chicken very dry inside & out with paper towels. The drier the better. Season the chicken generously inside and out with only salt and ground black pepper. You can get fancy with other seasonings if you wish - I don’t – the chicken is delicious with just those two basics. Mount the chicken on top of the Bundt pan. Giggle to yourself because you’re immature, and tie the chicken up once with kitchen twine around its wings, pinning the wings close to its pale salty body. See picture above.  Bake at 450 for 60-65 minutes. Do not open the oven, do not baste, don’t do anything. This is a completely hands-off experience for you and the chicken. Once the chicken skin is brown and crispy, you may take it out of the oven & let rest for 10 minutes before dismounting it off its anal probe. Enjoy, while silently apologizing to the bird for what you just did to it. 

Mini Cherry & Nutella Pies

Welcome back, my little lemurs! Baking has always scared me, but being a huge fan of cherry pie and not wanting to get a fat ass from buying a lard-loaded pie from Coco's I came across a recipe on a website that rhymes with "Killsberry", and this one is loosely based on that. These are somewhat of a production to make, but the ingredients are readily available, and the end result is impressive. Also, please realize that these puppies are about 2.5" in diameter, so you can probably fit about 3 of them in your mouth at once.  

Behold, the Mini Cherry -Nutella pies. 

The Ingredients: 

1 package of refrigerated pie crust dough. I like the Pillsbury dough. .
1 can of Cherry Pie filling.
Nutella, or other hazelnut spread.
1 egg
2 tbsp melted butter
Sugar

The Assembly: 

Preheat oven to 375, or whatever your pie crust recipe requires. Package of this refrigerated comes with 2 rolls, each roll makes about 10-12 mini pies. Bring dough to room temperature; otherwise, it's a bitch to roll out. Lightly flower your work surface & a rolling pin. BTW, a big thick wooden dowel from a hardware store works awesome as a rolling pin. Too bad I didn't know that before splurging on a fancy  $14 rolling pin. Roll out the dough slightly, to make more pies. Cut dough circles of a desired size, I like using cookie cutters no bigger than 3". There will be dough scraps left, ball them up and roll out again. Once you have used up the dough, you are ready to assemble. Smear about 1/3 tsp Nutella in the middle of each circle, plop 3 cherries on top, and another dough circle to cover it all up.  Crimp edges with a fork.

In a separate bowl beat egg with the melted butter to make an egg wash. Brush the top and bottom of each pie with the egg wash. Cut 3 SMALL slits in each pie so the pies don't explode whilst baking. Sprinkle with regular 'ole granulated sugar. Bake until pies are nice and golden, and screaming, about 15-18 mins. If you notice some filling leaking out during baking, you've totally screwed this whole thing up. Just kidding, it's totally normal. Now try to resist the urge to stuff your face until these sufficiently cool, or you will loose a layer of your mouth skin.

WARNING: be prepared to ward off accusations that you bought these at the store, and re-plated them. I did.


P.S. I tried making with Apple cinnamon and caramel filing, cherry tastes better. 

Slow cooker Adobo Chicken

Now, my peeps, this little gem is Chicken Adobo in a Crockpot. Or a Slow Cooker. Whatever term you fancy. I can't take credit for the base recipe, however I did tweak it, so... it's mine now. Thanks Peter! It's easy, it's hands off, and it comes out perfect every time. And as a bonus, people think you slaved over this for hours. Suckers! 

The ingredients: 

½ cup balsamic or apple cider vinegar 

½ cup regular soy sauce

1 tsp. ground or fresh grated ginger

4-6 garlic cloves, peeled

1 red onion

2 bay leaves

1 tbsp. black pepper

1 tsp. brown sugar

1 large package of chicken thighs, or thighs/drumsticks mix  (roughly 10-12, or until your slow cooker screams "No More"!)

1/2 bunch chopped green onions or chives, for serving 

The How To: 

Remove skin from chicken, place in bottom of cooker (the chicken, not the skin). You could, technically, leave the skin on, but you and I both know that you could probably loose a few lbs, so let's just follow my directions, mmkay? Peel garlic and onion, chop roughly, mix with ginger and add to the chicken.  

Mix Vinegar, Soy Sauce, Brown Sugar, and Pepper in a separate bowl.  Taste and adjust the soy sauce/vinegar.  You can always add more vinegar if you like it tangy, but you can't take it out, yo!  

Add sauce to chicken and hand mix so all ingredients are mingling in a friendly fashion.  It doesn't have to be perfect, people. Add the bay leaves and fire that sucker up to cook on low for 8 hours. Don't blame me for the electrical fire you started in your absence b/c you still own the janky Crockpot your grandma gave you form the 60's. 

Meal will be ready and willing in about 8 hrs. Serve over rice and add chopped green onions as a garnish. Congratulate yourself for a job well done, and make sure to credit me for this recipe. TTYL! 

Salmon Roe & Cream Cheese on cucumber hors d'oeuvres

All-righty. Here's the 1st order of weirdness. If you are like me, and will put anything in your mouth ... wait, that may be misconstrued...oh well. Anywho, try these little morsels of salty goodness: Simple, requires little assembly, & looks cool. And  as an added bonus, you get a side of high blood pressure from all the yummy sodium.You're welcome! 

                 

Ingredients: 

1/4 Cup Salmon Roe

1/4 Cup softened Cream Cheese

1/2 Cucumber ( cut into slices)

Ponzu sauce, and optional Sriracha hot sauce if you lika'da Sa-piicyyy! 

Fresh dill for decoration 

Assembly:

Cut cucumber into slices. I prefer using the English Cucumbers, less seedy. Top with a dollop of cream cheese. If you have one of those squeezable frosting bags that you can squeeze the cream cheese out of in a decorative way, use that. I, personally am too cheap to buy one so I used a Ziploc bag with a cut off corner creating a tasty circular cream cheese half-turd. Put about a half tea spoon of Salmon Roe into that, and add a splash of Ponzu sauce on top. If you want some kick, squirt (he-he) a drop or two of Sriracha on top. WARNING: some people hate salmon roe. F*%$ those people. Someone will eat this, I promise.