Shrimp Ceviche

It’s Shrimp Ceviche people! The ultimate no-cook summer treat!! Freakin’ tiny shrimp!!! Yay!!!!.... You’ve probably noticed that I’ve been lazy lately & don’t really feel like turning on the stove, so you’ve seen me post stuff like those marshmallow 5-minute owl faces... So if you’re like me right now – then this should be right up your alley. This could not be easier to make. Well, I guess it could be easier to make, if you just float all the ingredients whole in a bowl of lime juice, but hopefully you will give your guests the courtesy of a small dice at this par-tae.  Typically the recipe calls for cucumber, I didn’t have any so I used a tomato here. Whatevs, it’s still good.

You will need:

• 1/2 cup (preferably fresh ) lime juice 
• 1 lb tiny cooked shrimp.
• 1/2 red onion, diced  
• 1 jalapeno, diced very small
• 1/3 cup chopped fresh cilantro
• 1/2 cup ketchup (or chili sauce)
• About 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 cup seeded diced peeled cucumber
• 1 small ripe but firm avocado,  cubed
• Salt
• 
  

Toss the shrimp with lime juice, cover and refrigerate for about an hour. In a small strainer, rinse the onion under cold water, then shake off the excess liquid, ‘cuz you be cryin’ otherwise. Add to the shrimp bowl along with all other ingredients. Taste and season with salt. Cover and refrigerate if not serving immediately. BAM!  Serve with tortilla chips, or whatever other scooping agent you find palatable. PS: you can also substitute firm white fish like sea bass, if you have a fatal allergy to shellfish, or if you’re fancy. 

S'more treats

OMG people, here’s a treat for you. If you’re having “one of those nights” I suggest you sweep your pantry, and give yourself a mouthgasm with these.(Side note: the word “mouthgasm” is underlined in red, a.i. “not a word” according to Webster. As I right clicked to spell check it, it corrected to “Mouthwash”. Fail!)

All you need:

Crackers, broken in 2

Large Marshmallows, cut into circles

chocolate chips

5 minutes.

Assemble. Broil on low for a few minutes, not leaving the site. Remove. Notice how they stare creepily at you. Gorge. Regret. Gorge some more. WIN!  

Chicken & Wild Rice Soup

Hellooooo my peeps! I am back! Technically I was here all along, successfully ignoring your cries for more blog. But I have missed you, and soup, and so it goes like this: today we are making Chicken & Wild Rice  Soup. It’s so easy even a monkey can do it (yea, I’m talking to you.. you know who you are…). 15 minutes hands on, then it pretty much cooks itself.  

Yee shall need: 

  

2 large chicken breasts

1 yellow onion

2 cloves of garlic, chopped

3-4 cups chicken stock

½ cup dry wild rice  

1 can of chopped stewed tomatoes  

1 large carrot or 2 small ones, cut into circles

½ cup frozen corn kernels. 

Salt & pepper to taste

Crushed red pepper

3 tbsp lemon juice

Parsley ( flat leaf or curly, whatevs. )

Cut up chicken into mouth-manageable cubes (no larger than 1”).  Season chicken well with S&P. ( Notice my “Rachel Ray” EVOO approach to salt & pepper here).  Chop the onion and garlic, and brown with the chicken in a large soup pot with some vegetable oil for about 10 minutes on medium heat, until chicken has a nice base tan. Add the chicken stock to the same pot; add more water if need more liquid. Throw in dry wild rice, tomatoes, corn, & carrots. Add 1/2 tsp crushed red pepper and about 4 tbsp chopped parsley.  Cover, bring to boil, turn down heat and simmer on LOW about 40 minutes. Remove from heat, add salt / pepper to taste if needed, and about 3 tablespoons of lemon juice. Let stand covered for about 20 mins. to an hr.

Serve with fresh chopped parsley, and more crushed red pepper if you like ulcers. 

Zucchini Pancakes

Are there any vegetarians up in here? Holla! This one’s for you. I strongly recommend that you invest in a food processor. And not just the 2 cup-mini prep one you cheapskate, those suck. Aside from a lost finger or two they really do make your life a lot easier. If you don’t own one – that’s cool -just use a grater like a caveman. 

I present, the Zucchini Pancake.

You will need (for 6-7 cakes):

 2 large zucchinis, grated.

1 egg, beaten

1 tsp white or wheat flower

1/2  tsp cumin

1/2 tsp salt

ground black pepper

Sour Cream

Sriracha (optional)

Grate the zucchinis in the food processor, or the pre-historic way on a grater. Just make sure to grate on the large holes, and please be considerate and remove any knuckle skin that you may have inadvertently grated into the bowl. Salt the shredded zucchini, mix thoroughly and leave to drain in a colander for about 15 minutes so it releases liquid. Squeeze as much  liquid out from the zucchini as possible. Drink it. Just kidding, that’s disgusting. Discard it. In a separate bowl mix the rest of the ingredients with the beaten egg. Add zucchini, and mix thoroughly. Heat 1-2 tbsp olive oil in a large skillet, form the zucchini mixture into flat-tish cakes about the size of your palm, and fry on medium heat COVERED for about 7 minutes, or until browned. Uncover, flip the cakes and brown the other side for about 5 minutes on medium. Serve with a dollop (Gawd, I hate that word) of sour cream and a spooge of Sriracha.

Woo-Hoo! Peace out. 

Spicy Ahi Tuna

What’ up, my Peeps!

It’s been ages since I’ve seen you. I missed you. Did you miss me? I hope you’ve been well. Today, for your pleasure, I have con-cockted this Ahi Tuna Poke. It’s spicy, it’s tasty, and this beats paying $16 for it at the restaurant. You will need all (or at least most) of the items below, plus some Mayo which was too shy for the photo shoot. It was being fussy and having a bad hair day. But I digress….

You Will need:

Palm-sized sushi grade Ahi Tuna steak, diced into small cubes.

2 tsp. Soy sauce

½ tsp. Sesame Seed oil

1 tsp Sriracha hot sauce

1 tbsp Mayo-nayo-naise

½ tsp chili paste (optional)

1 tsp rice vinegar (optional)

½ tsp Sesame seeds

1 tbsp chopped cilantro

Here’s “just the tip” before starting: prior to dicing, put the tuna steak in the freezer for about 20 minutes. It’s way easier to dice this way, otherwise you will end up with mashed up tuna blobs, not pretty. Dice the aforementioned tuna into small-ish dice. Mix all other ingredients except sesame seeds in a separate bowl & dump in the tuna dice. Mix thoroughly, refrigerate for about 20 mins.  Serve on a cracker, or just as is. Thank me later with a shoulder massage, ‘cuz this recipe is the shit. 

Crispy Skin Roasted Chicken

Today I will solve the ancient problem of soggy chicken skin with this simple roasted chicken recipe. The best part is that you will never look at a Bundt cake pan the same way again, and neither will your chicken. Yup, you heard me. I present to you the  Roasted Chicken in a Bundt pan. Why, you ask? Because  the chicken likes it that way. You know you probably have an old Bundt pan that you bought for some crappy recipe that you never made again. Dust her off, it will become one of your favorite accessories to roast a chicken in. Or, rather, On. The chicken and the Bundt pan will become very close and intimate friends. 

 You will need:

Bundt Pan

One willing chicken

Kitchen twine

Salt (1/2 tsp, or more) & ground black pepper, to taste

Preheat oven to 450. Pat the chicken very dry inside & out with paper towels. The drier the better. Season the chicken generously inside and out with only salt and ground black pepper. You can get fancy with other seasonings if you wish - I don’t – the chicken is delicious with just those two basics. Mount the chicken on top of the Bundt pan. Giggle to yourself because you’re immature, and tie the chicken up once with kitchen twine around its wings, pinning the wings close to its pale salty body. See picture above.  Bake at 450 for 60-65 minutes. Do not open the oven, do not baste, don’t do anything. This is a completely hands-off experience for you and the chicken. Once the chicken skin is brown and crispy, you may take it out of the oven & let rest for 10 minutes before dismounting it off its anal probe. Enjoy, while silently apologizing to the bird for what you just did to it. 

Mini Cherry & Nutella Pies

Welcome back, my little lemurs! Baking has always scared me, but being a huge fan of cherry pie and not wanting to get a fat ass from buying a lard-loaded pie from Coco's I came across a recipe on a website that rhymes with "Killsberry", and this one is loosely based on that. These are somewhat of a production to make, but the ingredients are readily available, and the end result is impressive. Also, please realize that these puppies are about 2.5" in diameter, so you can probably fit about 3 of them in your mouth at once.  

Behold, the Mini Cherry -Nutella pies. 

The Ingredients: 

1 package of refrigerated pie crust dough. I like the Pillsbury dough. .
1 can of Cherry Pie filling.
Nutella, or other hazelnut spread.
1 egg
2 tbsp melted butter
Sugar

The Assembly: 

Preheat oven to 375, or whatever your pie crust recipe requires. Package of this refrigerated comes with 2 rolls, each roll makes about 10-12 mini pies. Bring dough to room temperature; otherwise, it's a bitch to roll out. Lightly flower your work surface & a rolling pin. BTW, a big thick wooden dowel from a hardware store works awesome as a rolling pin. Too bad I didn't know that before splurging on a fancy  $14 rolling pin. Roll out the dough slightly, to make more pies. Cut dough circles of a desired size, I like using cookie cutters no bigger than 3". There will be dough scraps left, ball them up and roll out again. Once you have used up the dough, you are ready to assemble. Smear about 1/3 tsp Nutella in the middle of each circle, plop 3 cherries on top, and another dough circle to cover it all up.  Crimp edges with a fork.

In a separate bowl beat egg with the melted butter to make an egg wash. Brush the top and bottom of each pie with the egg wash. Cut 3 SMALL slits in each pie so the pies don't explode whilst baking. Sprinkle with regular 'ole granulated sugar. Bake until pies are nice and golden, and screaming, about 15-18 mins. If you notice some filling leaking out during baking, you've totally screwed this whole thing up. Just kidding, it's totally normal. Now try to resist the urge to stuff your face until these sufficiently cool, or you will loose a layer of your mouth skin.

WARNING: be prepared to ward off accusations that you bought these at the store, and re-plated them. I did.


P.S. I tried making with Apple cinnamon and caramel filing, cherry tastes better.